Packing It All In

Whether it's work into a day, effort into a workout, or food into my face, those who know me well would tell you that I'm a "110%" kind of person.

The view from Stony Man summit, Shenandoah National Park.

One of the most important skills in becoming a successful person is the ability to be introspective. To be real with yourself, know your limits, and identify your faults is incredibly powerful in that it allows you to better yourself. It turns out that it took me about 25 years of life to realize that my "constantly doing something" mentality is ... unusual, if not potentially destructive. And I actually only really figured that out because it became clear to my (now) wife and I that we were very different in that attitude toward life. It turns out that "relaxing" in the classical sense of slowing down with a book or a stroll is just not something I do all that often. And even when I do, I have a goal: Get three chapters done tonight, get 5 miles in, etc.

Going back to being introspective, I guess the main issue is not that I don't relax (in the classical sense) all that often, but I'm also not that good at it. This was a friction point for my relationship at one point, because spending time together relaxing was something my wife really valued. But it stressed me out to just sit there and do nothing because I had a ton of work to do and I was literally having to go into the lab earlier just to carve out this time (I was in grad school then). It seemed to her that it was bothering me to schedule time to spend with her.

The epiphany came when I realized that I "relax" by doing specific things, mostly exercising or playing games of some sort, and so I was actually "relaxing" quite a lot. For me, these are a mental and physical reprieve from work, the stresses of life, and monotony. And when I told her what I'd realized, it dawned on her that her perception of relaxing had been that I never did it, when in fact those weekend soccer games and after-work runs that I was struggling to fit in around everything else were my relaxation, and that I needed the time to get to them or I'd get stressed.

So now, I make a point to carve out time to sit in front of the TV for a few hours a week with her, and she makes it a point to understand when I need to get out and do something. She's even increasing her own activity level in part because I am active. So, we're both improving ourselves - me at relaxing, and her at exercising.

Vacations are one of the main areas where these perceptions of relaxation clash. To me, a vacation is going to a new place, trying new things, and experiencing all that you can in the limited time you have. To her, a vacation is waking up late, sipping coffee on a veranda, and putting her feet up. Unfortunately for her, I'm the planner for the trips, and so early on in our relationship the vacations were more like workouts for her. Looking back, I imagine she must have been exhausted when we got back from a weekend away, while I was grinning on the drive home at all the things we'd done and seen.

Obviously, I had to get better at planning vacations in ways that suit both of us. Yes, we can go backpacking, but maybe not the hardest one that includes using chains to scale inclines of bare rock (that was on our honeymoon - hey, no one's perfect). Sure, let's go explore the local cuisine, but do we really have to try that dish they're famous for? (In my defense she liked that hash brown dish in Mürren a lot). I learned to build in more time between activities so that she could take breaks, relax a little, and get out of her hiking clothes before dinner - things that are completely reasonable, but were not necessarily part of my "optimized vacation strategy."

Rösti in Mürren

This past weekend, we took a little time away to visit a new National Park. It's one of my lifetime goals to see them all, and so we've been to a bunch of them together. We hadn't been to Shenandoah yet (the closest one of the DMV), and so we took a drive out and stayed the weekend.

A stream crossing in White Oak Canyon

One of the "relaxation" things that I've had to acquire for her benefit is not to be working on vacation - at least not when she's able to see (while she's showering is prime time to get some emails answered). It's because she doesn't want to be thinking about work and responsibilities, and I need to respect that so she can enjoy the stay. As a way to make myself more accountable, I put up Away messages during times like this so that people don't expect my typical fast responses.

One thing that makes both our "packing it in" and"relaxation" lists - Custard, at Pack's

Despite some rain, we managed to climb a couple of peaks, see some caves and waterfalls, get in lots of food tourism, do some shopping, have poolside time, and just hang out (doing her form of) relaxing. I carry the stuff on the hikes, plan it all, and give her choices with no pressure/expectation. We both get to do the things we like, push ourselves a bit, and drive home smiling. While I'm no expert yet, I'm starting to get the hang of this "relaxing" thing.